If you follow me on social media you will know that although I do not shout about it from the rooftops I have mentioned the issues we faced when trying to have Clark. We had three pregnancies prior to Clark all of which did not work out for one reason or another. (One Early Miscarriage at 6 weeks, one ectopic pregnancy at 7 weeks followed by a further chemical pregnancy at 5 weeks).
The emotions that come out when you go through something like that are pretty intense and can test the strongest of people, so with that in mind I knew when the blog took off that I wanted to write about what got me through. Little did I know how important that would become when unfortunately 6 weeks ago we lost another little baked bean at 11 weeks.
No matter how many times you go through a loss it never gets easier, each time you are engulfed with feelings of sadness coupled with the never-ending questions you ask yourself. Why me? What was the reason? Did I do something? Could I have prevented it?
The answer to that last question is usually no and with one in four pregnancies result in early miscarriage so it is a lot more common than you think. Some people, if not actively trying for a baby may not even realise what’s happening if it’s that early, passing it off as a shit “time of the month”.
But for the rest of us who have taken the test, who may have even seen a heartbeat and have allowed themselves to get excited, how do you deal with something that can only be described as utterly heartbreaking.
As everyone is different there is no magic list that will help you to get back on track and to have you smiling again. And unfortunately the longer you have known that you are pregnant before it happens the harder it is to comprehend. My most recent one hit me the hardest. We had seen a heartbeat and we had a healthy baby boy so I had put all my past worries behind me only to have all my past emotions come flooding back as things started going wrong in a service station toilet on the way to see my cousins in Devon. This was only fuelled further by the fact I was travelling alone with Clark. We survived and all I can say to anyone going through this at the moment – you will too.
So what helped me? Well there were a couple of things and these are what drove me to write this post. Take what you will out of this post, some of the bits may help you, they may not but the fact you are reading this in the hope it may help shows you are heading in the right direction.
Talk Talk Talk:
Anyone who knows me knows I can talk the legs off a donkey. For me being able to talk through whats going on has helped me endlessly. At first talking to people who had been through similar experiences helped me as I was left waiting for answers when things happened the first time. Because of that I reached out to two people I knew who had gone through similar experiences. Just knowing that you are not the only one going through helps shine a light during what can be a very dark time.
Talking to your partner is also key during this time. The majority of men are not very open with their feelings so this may be one part where you need to take the first step and explain how you are feeling. Also don’t be afraid to say how their actions are making you feel. Last thing you need is a tear up because the man is not showing his feelings as he does not want to upset you further yet you think he does not care and start plotting how to murder him.
Also your friends are your friends for a reason, tell them whats happened, tell them how you are feeling. You may not have even told them you was pregnant but that does not mean you can’t tell them what happened. Knowing I could talk to any of my friends about what was going on really helped, and I think we all know there will be one friend who will be good at helping you drown your sorrows, one friend who will just get it and say all the right things and one friend who will turn up and say all the wrong things completely unintentionally but they will bring cake, chocolate and wine and that’s always a winner in my eyes!!
Know that you are not alone:
If the thought of talking about this kind of thing to those around you leaves you in a cold sweat -that’s cool. It’s not for everyone and there is plenty of information online to help you understand everything that you are going though and to help you know that you are not the only one out there.
Health Organisations like the Miscarriage Association have a wealth of information online and a great presence on Facebook and Instagram to let you know of articles and campaigns that are running to help you further understand what feelings other people are going through so you can see if that’s something you have experienced. Knowing that someone else has gone though the exact same symptoms or feelings is always reassuring in some weird kind of way. The current campaign from the Miscarriage Association at the moment is the simply say campaign which focuses on what people do or do not want to hear. If you are reading this as you know someone who’s going through this then I encourage you to check it out which you can do here.
Instagram is also a good place believe it or not, and no it’s not people taking selfies of themselves looking all sad and forlorn but people putting pictures up expressing what they have been through. The great thing about instagram also is that you can set up a profile without revealing your true identity. I know of someone who has set up a second account to interact with people sharing a similar journey to her. Recently the campaign #ihadamiscarriage has gone viral with a number of posts going up using that. Ended up in tears reading quite a few of these posts so a warning to brace yourself. After some of the posts I have put up I have had messages from people going through similar experiences. These were people who had no one they knew to speak to or did not feel like speaking with their friends but needed to talk to someone. After a long email conversation at 4am with a lady over in america I felt oddly reassured that I was not in this on my own and that if I could make someone feel a bit less shit then eventually I would too.
Do Whats Right for you:
You have gone to hell and back there is no denying that so if you want to stay in bed for a few days, then that’s what you should do. On the other hand if you want to be busy then there is nothing wrong with that. Each time for me has been different. Work was out of the question with my first two miscarriages but the thought of being at home when number three happened filled me with dread so I did not end up taking any time off at all.
At this point if it makes you happy do it. After our third one we had a complete fuck it moment and booked a trip to Vegas. Looking back it was one of the best things we ever did!
Don’t be afraid to ask:
Unfortunately there is no hard fast reason why our bodies put us through such a shitty time. Each of my miscarriages have been so different that I am reluctant to say that they were all caused by the same thing. This makes it tough on Medical Staff when they are trying to determine what is going on, this could mean playing the waiting game. If you are in that position and you feel something is up make sure you ask to be re-examined or if you can come back up to the hospital. A week after being told that my second miscarriage was ectopic and my body was dealing with it I found I was still in a lot of pain. I took myself back up to hospital only to find out that it had ruptured and I needed surgery. Strangely listening to my body meant that I had the issue dealt with, had I ignored it I could have ended up causing serious harm to myself.
Also each hospital may have different opinions on what may work and what won’t. I was treated by two separate hospitals at one point. One recommended that I take a small dosage of aspirin throughout my pregnancy which I did. Another midwife said that they had never heard of this before and said I did not need to take it. This was during my pregnancy with Clark and in my mind it was the only thing we had done differently so I stuck with it. (Although it did not work this time so who knows!)
So there you have it. These words may help, they may not. But to anyone in this situation please know that you are not alone, that you will get over it and sometimes hope is the only thing you can do. And I hope that it does work out for anyone going through something like this.
Lots of Love xxxx